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Stages of Healing
Taken from the website
AboutYourBreakup.com
Grief is a very personal thing. You can
not explain it. Grief is an emotion, and like the essence of a rose, emotions
are indescribable in words. Every grief is different. The way you grieve
may be entirely different than the way I grieve, yet both of us will probably
share many of the same grief symptoms: Sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness,
shame, anxiety, guilt pain, loss, blame, emptiness, and depression.
Five Stages Of Grief
1. Denial and Isolation. At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken
place, and may withdraw from our friends, family, co-workers, and social
contacts. This stage may last anywhere from a few minutes to months, depending
on each individuals grieving style.
2. Anger. After the reality sets in you might become very
angry, even furious with your ex. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
or a man rejected. Most of us , too, will become angry with ourselves
for even letting the event take place, right up to the point of
blaming ourself for the entire breakup. We inevitably go through the "if
I only's" and the "I should have or shouldn't have done this or that's"...
3. Bargaining. This is where we start to make bargains with God; beg
with our exes to take us back; and try to turn friends, co-workers, and family
members into co-conspirators on our obsessive quest to gain this person back.
We call our exes with invented tragedies, or emergencies, just to make contact
; we try to 'accidentally' run into them somewhere where we know they might
be; we decide we immediately need to retrieve that old sweater we left in
their apartment...all in hopes that...well, you know! And if we do manage
to get their attention, if only for those 'accidental' few minutes, we
immediately lose all self-respect and start begging or crying, "If I do this
or don't do that, will you please, please take me back?" Yep..it is at this
time that we become unattractive & desperate beggars, pleading with
our exes to please (please..PLEASE) take us back and give us another chance.
This is the blind stage where we tend to take the blame, mistakenly believing
that "we" did something wrong and another chance will miraculously cure the
problem. All we manage to do is strip ourselves of our pride, self-respect,
and dignity, leaving us to feel humiliated and
rejected...oh, argh!
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|
4. Depression. We start to feel numb and
turn into zombies. Our anger and sadness may still be there but remains hidden
and masquerades as a depressed state. We barricade ourselves in our home
or apartment, close the drapes, and refuse to get out of bed. We call in
sick at work and cancel plans with friends. We only answer the phone in hopes
that it may be 'them' calling, and when we discover it's not them the
cycle begins all over again. In order to break the cycle you need to reach
Stage 5.
5. Acceptance. Finally it's over! The anger has passed, the
sadness has tapered off, the depression has lifted and we see reality and
it feels great. We will survive!
Ways you can reach stage five more
easily.
Stage 1. Acknowledge
your grief. Denying your feelings is harder on the body and mind than
going through them. Wallow in them if you want, wail out loud, punch your
pillow, cry to your mother, write sad poems, let your heart mourn....it's
your grief and it's very real. Allowing grief to surface is the only way
to let it go. Without this difficult stage we could never move pass the loss.
Don't feel pressured to hide or deny your emotions, but to accept them
for what they are.
Stage 2. Allow your anger but
resist the temptation to place blame. Stage two is usually short-lived. A
healthy lifestyle will be most beneficial in getting you through this stage.
Grieving and stress usually pass more quickly with good self-care habits,
eating balanced diets, plenty of fluids, exercise, and adequate rest. When
you start to feel 'self-blaming' then pamper yourself with a bath, rent your
favorite movie, go for a hike or bike ride, buy a new puppy, tour your local
museum, or visit your family or close friends. Taking special care of yourself
re-establishes your self-value and worth. When you pamper yourself you again
feel good about yourself and the need to place blame disappears.
Note: Our emotions always run their highest in the late evenings. I have
no idea why! I read just today to keep a calendar by your bed and for each
day fill in a different thought, it can be anything. Such as one day the
thought would be about growing a flower/vegetable garden and what kinds of
plants you would plant, the next what you would buy your mother if you suddenly
won a million dollars...things like that. Then at night, before you go to
bed, look at your calendar and that is the thought you are to have when you
close your eyes. Sounds like fun even if you weren't having a difficult
time!
Stage 3. Three
simple steps! Intercept, resist, and divert by
redirecting. Whenever you feel that urge to give in and try to contact
your ex, stop! Intercept your thoughts, resist the temptation
and divert by redirecting your interests elsewhere with more
self-gratifying activities. You will feel so much better when you walk away
with your pride intact and your head held high. Believe me, there is nothing
worse then the feeling of loss of dignity. Our dignity is our self-temple.
It's how we judge ourselves as human beings. It's where we place our worth.
And there's nothing better than the feeling of our own strength as we
resist the temptation and redirect ourselves to a more productive course.
Stage 4. Depression
is a symptom of suppressed emotions. If you followed my directions and allowed
your feelings to surface, took good care of yourself, and did not give in
to placing blame, you should be able to slip through this stage with barely
more than a one day "oh, woe is me" sigh!
Stage 5. Doesn't
it feel great to be out of a relationship that was so wrong for you? As your
dark clouds have now parted you should feel a beautiful, cleansed feeling.
Your soul has been reawakened and you see all the beauty that surrounds you.
You are truly an amazing person and so fortunate to have a whole life time
of special moments ahead of you! For added encouragement in acceptance check
out this post
from the Codependents Support Group board at iVillage. Very
inciting.
Tigress Luv, The Breakup
Guru
FIVE GREAT BREAKUP RESOURCES FROM
BREAKUP-GIRL & LIFTED HEARTS!
1.
BreakupMagazine.com
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2. BECAUSE NOT EVERY MAN IS
THE SAME, THE PLAN FOR WINNING THEM BACK SHOULDN'T BE THE SAME, EITHER! That's
why we now have THE ZODIAC MAN! This
is a great source of advice for winning the heart of, or winning back
the heart of, any man of the Zodiac.
3.
MyBreakupSpace.com
- Do you like MYSPACE? We now offer you MY 'breakup' SPACE! It's a brand
new site for our visitors here. Go on over there & check it out! It's
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4.
My Big Breakup - A satirical
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4.
MyBreakupBlog.com
- Get your own break up blog! Communicate and journal your breakup through
our FREE blog! Read others entries. Enjoy!
5.
Join Our Lifted Hearts Community: Our
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webBooks for free, plus our booklets and dozens of poems, too. Learn
how to stop your breakup, or mend your broken heart. Learn how to get the
commitment phobe (commitmentphobe) to make a commitment - to you!
Learn how to make a man fall in with love you, or find out why a woman dumps
a man. Read about commitment phobia (commitmentphobia) and your attachment
to the CP. Find out the real reason why women cheat. Join in on our private
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- where you can make great friends for life!
Article
by:
Weekly Coaching
Challenge
Are you willing to give up the notion that a relationship will make everything
right in your life? Are you willing to give up the fantasy that there is
a perfect mate for you, and give up the belief that there are no compatible,
worthy partners? Are you willing to learn the skills to build a great
relationship? Write to
Coach@WhatItTakes.com with what you learn
and experience as a result of this coaching challenge.
Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries |
| Getting To Commitment
Mr. Steven Carter's great insights into
relationship dynamics are presented here in an easy-to-understand language,
and without overdoing the psychological perspectives. Many commitment questions
are answered here in this book. A must read for anyone afflicted with commitment
issues or involved with someone who is.
|
| He's Scared, She's Scared
Available for the first time in paperback,
this follow-up to the phenomenally successful
Men Who Can't Love tackles
the issue of commitmentphobia, that persistent obstacle to truly satisfying
contemporary relationships. Authors Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol explore
why modern men and women are torn between the desire for intimacy and the
equally intense need for independence. Drawing on numerous interviews and
real-life scenarios, and written with humor, insight, and the kind of wisdom
gained by personal experience,
He's
Scared, She's Scared offes guidance for all of us who want genuine,
sustained intimacy with our romantic partners.
|
| Men Who Can't Love
This book saved me from going crazy and
from wasting any more of my precious time with a man who is a consumate
commitmentphobic. I got this book after a therapist friend of mine said that
all my complaining and moaning about my commitmentphobic boyfriend sounded
just like the people in this book she'd read -
"Men
Who Can't Love". I got on line and nabbed a copy. What
a life saver! My jaw dropped as I read this book because it describes the
behaviors of commitmentphobics precisely as I have been experiencing my
boyfriend's behavior. It's so true that the more I pressed him for answers
while trying to understand his avoidant behaviors, the more he withdrew from
me. "I don't wanna talk about it" is his mantra. All his behaviors were laid
out like his biography in this book. It was shocking and revealing at the
same time.
|
| I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline
Personality
This is a
great book for an inside look at Borderline Personality Disorder. If you
have a person with BPD in life this book is a must have. If you have BPD
it will help you understand that some of your behaviors that seem unusual
to other are understandable and can be explained and
treated. |
|
