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Divorce/Break-Up
Recovery
(c) by Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract
your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how
to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can
teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy
partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes,
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magnet(tm)"
Below are
ten ways to quickly recover from divorce (or a break-up), get your life back
on track and guarantee a bright relationship future for yourself.
Divorce is a devastating ordeal for most people. Recovery from divorce
can be a difficult, treacherous road. At times, people don't recover
at all. Others, although appearing to be past their divorce, still
carry the pain of the breakup and the fear of getting close to a partner
again.
Here is a different way to approach divorce recovery, a way that will allow
you to deeply heal. The following 10 steps will show you how to recreate
your life and your relationships to be far more fulfilling then before the
divorce.
1. Grieve deeply and completely.
Many times people are terrified of dark feelings, such as sadness, depression,
anger, etc. The intensity of these feelings can seems strong enough
to take a hold of your soul forever. The key point to remember and
trust is that although these feelings are indeed strong, they will not last
forever. Nor will feeling these feelings in some way damage you or
destroy you. You will feel better once you allow yourself to
feel.
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ATTRACTION IS EVERYTHING! Here's what to do when you think they are no longer
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2. Grieve the
future your marriage had, which now will never be.
When people marry, many dreams and hopes are created. These are not
simple to let go of, because we use dreams and hopes to guide us to our future.
Find out what dreams and hopes were in your marriage. Then separately
grieve each one. Know that your dreams and hopes are not dead.
You will recreate them again with someone else or for you alone.
3. Identify and spend time with the people in your life who know how to listen
to your feelings with complete love and acceptance.
When recovering from divorce, or any devastating loss, it is critical for
you to be allowed to speak your mind, as much and as often as you need to.
Many people are not comfortable listening to other's dark emotions.
Listening to someone else's anger, fear or grief often makes us afraid that
their emotions will overtake us. This is why seemingly loving, caring
people often try to "fix" us when we share about painful feelings. It is
important that you are not interrupted or given advice - speaking is how
you will heal.
4. Understand what happened in the relationship.
In order for you to be able to come to terms with the divorce and to move
on to creating a wonderful life, you need to understand what happened to
lead to the breakup. This is the part of your journey where you will have
to be extremely honest with yourself. It will do you no good to blame
your ex-spouse or yourself for the divorce. You need to clearly understand
the dynamic you and your spouse created together. You need to clearly
trace the threads of the events that lead to the animosity or the cooling
of in the relationship.
5. Understand why you chose your former spouse to be your partner.
People choose relationships for many different reasons, the most popular
being "love". What most consider being in love is not love at all.
Here are some of the reasons why people choose each other:
A deep need to be wanted
A life-long struggle to meet someone like his/her parents and save them or
change them
A fear of being alone
Infatuation
Material security
For the good of the children, etc.
If you can honestly examine and understand why you chose your partner, you
will be able to see the beginnings of the divorce at the inception of the
relationship. You will also start to build tools to be able to choose
differently the next time around.
6. Forgive your partner, forgive yourself.
Now it's time to forgive. Understand that you and your partner did
the best both of you could. Understand that even when you were doing
things to hurt each other, it was still the best you could do at the time.
Perhaps the painful actions came out of self-defense, or
self-preservation. Perhaps they came out of revenge for the pain you
felt the other was inflicting. Forgiveness is a sure way to free yourself
up to have a wonderful life in the future.
7. Create distance between you and your ex- partner. Spend 3 to 6 months
with no contact.
One thing that is so difficult about divorce is no longer having another
person around, no longer having your best friend and confidant. It
is difficult to let go of the everyday interactions and the friendship.
And yet, if you are to heal well, you must create 3 to 6 months of no contact
(or as little contact as possible) with your former spouse. This will
give you the opportunity to grieve and work through your anger. It
will also allow the relationship between you and your ex-partner to begin
again (if at all) on a different footing.
8. Create a supportive community.
Going through divorce means you have just lost your best friend and
partner. You need to be listened to. You need to know that you are
wanted and loved. For these reasons, having a supportive community
is critical to your recovery from divorce. A community can be a church
or synagogue group, an on-line community or a group of friends whom you ask
to support you. Make sure that your community clearly knows that you
need their support and how you need to be supported.
9. Resolve to learn everything about you and relationships.
If you are to create a better relationship in the future, without repeating
the same mistakes, you need to understand and examine every aspect of
relationships in regard to yourself. You need to know what you want
in a relationship, what kind of partner would be best suited for you, what
you absolutely need in order to feel satisfied, and what you absolutely will
not accept.
10. Take great care of yourself in the process
Divorce or break-up recovery is a stressful, painful and life-changing
process. When people are going through fundamental life changes, they
must take care of themselves extremely well. A good rule of thumb is
to treat yourself as if you have a slight cold - delegate or reduce
your workload, eat well, exercise gently and get lots of rest. Add
in extras like a massage, taking a creative class, doing activities that
you consider fun, etc.
Although recovering from divorce is not easy, you will succeed and come out
of the process much better for it, if you follow the above systematic
approach. Much success to you!
Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
Read
Dream
Chasers: The CP Addiction (Falling in Love and Dealing
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written especially for those who are in love with a commitmentphobic person,
in less than two minutes!
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Is
it possible to get your boyfriend or your girlfriend back, to stop your breakup,
or to mend your relationship? Yes, we believe it is. And we have seen
proof of it many times right here at LiftedHearts.net. We have the information
available to you to learn everything you need to know to fix your relationship,
and make it better than ever! You may think you are all alone and without
hope - without a chance - but you're not. We are there to walk you through
and to try and help you regain the most important thing in the world to you
- your relationship! To learn more, simply visit our
community right here
online and start reversing your breakup
today!
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Women
- Learn New Ways to Masturbate
How To Spot A Dangerous
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Attract And Keep
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Love, Romance And
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What you absolutely must know about him to make him yours!
Keep Other Women
Away From Your Man.com. How To Keep Other Women Away From Your Man.
| Getting To Commitment
Mr. Steven Carter's great insights into
relationship dynamics are presented here in an easy-to-understand language,
and without overdoing the psychological perspectives. Many commitment questions
are answered here in this book. A must read for anyone afflicted with commitment
issues or involved with someone who is.
|
| He's Scared, She's Scared
Available for the first time in paperback,
this follow-up to the phenomenally successful
Men Who Can't Love tackles
the issue of commitmentphobia, that persistent obstacle to truly satisfying
contemporary relationships. Authors Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol explore
why modern men and women are torn between the desire for intimacy and the
equally intense need for independence. Drawing on numerous interviews and
real-life scenarios, and written with humor, insight, and the kind of wisdom
gained by personal experience,
He's
Scared, She's Scared offes guidance for all of us who want genuine,
sustained intimacy with our romantic partners.
|
| Men Who Can't Love
This book saved me from going crazy and
from wasting any more of my precious time with a man who is a consumate
commitmentphobic. I got this book after a therapist friend of mine said that
all my complaining and moaning about my commitmentphobic boyfriend sounded
just like the people in this book she'd read -
"Men
Who Can't Love". I got on line and nabbed a copy. What
a life saver! My jaw dropped as I read this book because it describes the
behaviors of commitmentphobics precisely as I have been experiencing my
boyfriend's behavior. It's so true that the more I pressed him for answers
while trying to understand his avoidant behaviors, the more he withdrew from
me. "I don't wanna talk about it" is his mantra. All his behaviors were laid
out like his biography in this book. It was shocking and revealing at the
same time.
|
| I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline
Personality
This is a
great book for an inside look at Borderline Personality Disorder. If you
have a person with BPD in life this book is a must have. If you have BPD
it will help you understand that some of your behaviors that seem unusual
to other are understandable and can be explained and
treated. |
|
